The Big Horn Sheep

The other day, my brother, (whom lives in our basement) came out in the morning to go to work...

And saw a Big Horn Sheep in our backyard!

I was surprised. Especially, as from what I understand, it is an Endangered Species.

Although deer are a frequent appearance here, a Big Horn Sheep seems to be as familiar to me as a picture spread in a National Geographic.

It has provoked me to think about this animal.

This animal not only live on rocky ridges, and cliff ledges, they can scale the slippery, sharp, jagged rocks. Today, human beings use a system of latches, ropes, and pulleys to do what this animal can with HOOVES. I recall an IMAX film I saw once, of a helicopter view of the top of a rigid, snowy mountain. Along the highest, most jagged point, a Big Horn Sheep made it's way.

The hooves are hard on the outside, and soft and gripping on the inside. When they have a threat (and it is usually over a mate), they face it head on. (Sometimes running at full speed of up to 30 mile/hour.) Their thick skulls protect them. Their horns defend them.


Ancient Indian's believed that animals brought meaning into their lives. That the characteristics of that animal could teach you something that would help you out in your own journey.

In Indian totems the appearance of a Big Horn Sheep represents this:

"Bighorn sheep’s message is that of new beginnings. If you have this animal for your power ally, have confidence in your powers to land safely on your feet, in most circumstances. The spiral horn symbolizes your creativity, energy, and endurance. You can initiate new projects and have the strength to complete them. Defend your territory and test your strength, but do not lock horns just to prove your point. Think before you act. Stay in balance with your environment by hiking ,walking, or climbing. Take a class to expand your mind and use your imagination to reach new heights of achievement. Seek new opportunities in your work and relationship areas. Now is a good time to make changes . You can accomplish a lot if you are prepared. "

I like it.
And I'll take it.

A Lover. And a Mother.

A couple of years ago we tried to into change life insurance policies. To our surprise, after the routine blood work exam, we were denied.
Denied!? It was quite a shock.

The denial was based on Brandon's "high liver enzymes."
High liver enzymes?

What does that mean?

It meant that his liver was sick. And after further tests, that he had a condition called NASH.

For months, I fret, grieved, worried, and searched for a little solace that the largest major organ in my 28-year old husband's body was not 'working right.' Growing up with a mother with chronic health problems, and being employed in the hospice field - did not ease my tension, or image of a possible future.
We are young. We are parents. We are together. And I didn't want to loose any of that earlier than - well, living a "great" life, raising our family together, and then dying months apart in old age. The Doxey, Romanticist's happily ever after.

The cure? Change of lifestyle.
Comforting, and, as a spectator, difficult.
"Lifestyles" don't permanently change overnight.

And even as great as he was doing, my impatience in hovering in the RED ZONE often got the best of me. Mostly (I hope, hon) in my mind. And fears.
All of the sudden, any of his "un"-changing lifestyle choices put sharp pressure on my already tense heart. And conflict in my worried mind.

That is when I realized.
I am your Lover.
Me.
That is it.
And that,
Is the most important thing,
I want you to know me as.
There are a million other people who can do a million other things for you.

But, I am-
Your Lover.

Not your Dietitian.
Not your Spiritual Leader.
Not your Physician.
Not your Teacher.
Not your Answer.
Not your Calendar.
Not your Therapist.
Not your Expert.
Not your Savior.
Of course, if you need that from me, and I have it to give-
it's yours.

But if it fights for the top.
It has to go.

Lovers love.
And I have the privilege
To be yours.

**********************************************************

I am having had a similar epiphany as my role as a mother.

One of my son's learned how to ride a bike.
And graduated from preschool.
All in one week.

And he is off. With a new freedom, and a new independence.
Uncharted mothering territory for me.

As mothers, we naturally incur many roles for our kids.

We are their Dietitians.
We are their Sleep Authority. (Who knew this doesn't come natural?)
We are their Teachers.
We are their Calendar.
We are their Answer.
We are their Physician.
We are their Therapist.
We are their and Spiritual Leader.
We are their Educational Instructor.
We are their Expert.
We may even try to be their Savior.

At least for a little while, and to some degree.
It naturally happens like that.
Whether we want all these roles, or are ready, they are ours.
It is great, validating, and scary.
So I spend a lot of time learning "how to be a mom."
Or in other words, (according to above roles), "how to be their_______."

Their future, healthy independence depends on it.
I've thought.

But I have a conflict.
Sometimes my efforts come at a price.
The price of loosing love.

And now,
Just as before-
I realize.

I am Your Mother.
Me.
That's it.
And that is the most important thing
I want you to know me as.
More than your Dietitian.
More than your Sleep Authority.
More than your Teacher.
More than your Calendar.
More than your Spiritual Leader
More than your Therapist.
More than your Educational Instructor.
More than your Expert.

There are plentry of people who can give you plenty of other things.

But I am-
Your Mother.
All my sacrifice, work,
and thought,
I give
Will be for naught,
If it is at the cost of my Love.

So I have determined.
Everything to do is,
Inescapable, real, and great-
But,
The greatest thing, I wish to be to my boys.
Is
Love.

So much harder to do then say, write,
or wrap in a bow.
But the greatest desire of my heart.

A Mothers Love.

FROM CHAOS TO CALM

I can never forget a description my husband's coworker described of his wife:

Their toddler woke up....ALL NIGHT LONG.
Finally, after the final episode - she came back into the room, faced the bed,
and bounced her head off the mattress.
Over and over again.
Over and over and over...
Like a crazy person.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Let's be honest. If you've had sleepless children, you can't help but feel smothered in empathy. And laughs (some of relief,) that you are not the only crazy person out there!

Now, my first (okay, second- to sleeplessness), head-banging sessions were directly linked to my first attempts to discipline. I'm not convinced that spanking makes me, or my kids, what I want to be...so, I did time-out. Along with talking, reasoning, and explaining.

Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.

It was fine, and pretty effective...Until I created little escape artists, room trashers, and mommy-exploding makers.

I couldn't get a handle on our chaos. I felt swamped with resistance about EVERYTHING. Teeth brushing, getting dressed, eating, sleeping, going to school, maybe even breathing. I was pregnant, exhausted, and kind of wanted to kill my kids all the time. (My sweet little babies!)

THE CHAOS WAS MAKING ME CRAZY.
And my inability to get a handle on it, made me EVEN CRAZIER!

At the time my friend Jill recommended this:



And it has changed my life.
I read the first half, and heard choirs of angels belting emancipation. And after implementing it,
basked in IMMEDIATE results.
No charts, stickers, or hoops to jump through.
Just raw empowerment.

It is the ONLY parenting book I have ever related to, agreed with, and think is absolute magic. For every stage. Every age. And all of my desires as a mother.

It certainly deserves a post today.

It sits by my Bible.

I love it.
Love me as a mom more.
Love my kids more.
And even love my own mommy more.

You beautiful book.

"BEYOND TIMEOUT. FROM CHAOS TO CALM." by Beth Grosshans

Silly, Stupid, Annoying Men

I saw a Honey Nut Cheerios commercial today.
Gag.

A couple was eating breakfast.

She: an attractive, woman liberating, kind of rude wife...
pointing out how incompetent, lame, can't believe he can tie his own shoes...let alone change a damn diaper my husband is. You know. "Men." Those silly, stupid, annoying men. Who really wouldn't survive, provide, or probably even THINK without us.

Him: Well. That husband. Wink, wink.

That's it.
It kind of irks me.

Not that the differences between us girls and guys can be frustrating and hard to understand sometimes. But ALWAYS. EVERY conflict? MUST be the gender?

The stereotypical differences seem to be very stereotypical.
I mean, if your a guy, and your don't fit into three different boxes...well, you are probably gay. And girls who don't want to have babies? Good luck feeling like a good person.

And even if they were true. It seems like a passive-aggressively, inefficient approach to addressing your inability to connect with your spouse.

AKA: Being a jerk.

Stupid, silly men.

We vote. We work.
We swallow birth control pills.
And choose to be whatever we want.
Everything our mamas told us about men is not all true.
Except for sex.
But even that...is a little off.

So let's stop being such j.e.r.k.s.

weasel's prayer

weston got in a car accident. it sounds severe.
three people are dead and he is being life-flighted to a hospital now. grandpa sent word (through the great texting family tree...)
say a prayer.

my response disturbed and comforted? me.

i like prayer. it works for me. i love it.
but i closed my eyes, waited for some words -
and nothing.

the obvious prayer is that he will be okay. right this second.
you've never known a person like weasel. or his parents. or siblings. my heart hurts wondering what might happen. i can't imagine the loss and sadness if he...really wasn't okay.

i could pray for comfort, yes. strength, vital. endurance. for him, and his family. and i will.

but life how i want it? not always the best thing.
i've learned enough in my meager experience to know that i don't know the whole story.
i often clearly lack the larger perspective. last month, i planted a tree right in the middle of our most exquisite view. a spindly, little trunk in front of our gigantic, gorgeous, mountain, breakfast-delight.

a faithless cynic? or surrendering to real trust in God?

i guess in a round about way, i am putting words to my personal surrender.
and finding a glimpse of comfort in the conundrum.
i am surrendering.
my will to His.
to accept His will.
and feel my Daddy's love.

And please-
be with weasel.