A Lover. And a Mother.

A couple of years ago we tried to into change life insurance policies. To our surprise, after the routine blood work exam, we were denied.
Denied!? It was quite a shock.

The denial was based on Brandon's "high liver enzymes."
High liver enzymes?

What does that mean?

It meant that his liver was sick. And after further tests, that he had a condition called NASH.

For months, I fret, grieved, worried, and searched for a little solace that the largest major organ in my 28-year old husband's body was not 'working right.' Growing up with a mother with chronic health problems, and being employed in the hospice field - did not ease my tension, or image of a possible future.
We are young. We are parents. We are together. And I didn't want to loose any of that earlier than - well, living a "great" life, raising our family together, and then dying months apart in old age. The Doxey, Romanticist's happily ever after.

The cure? Change of lifestyle.
Comforting, and, as a spectator, difficult.
"Lifestyles" don't permanently change overnight.

And even as great as he was doing, my impatience in hovering in the RED ZONE often got the best of me. Mostly (I hope, hon) in my mind. And fears.
All of the sudden, any of his "un"-changing lifestyle choices put sharp pressure on my already tense heart. And conflict in my worried mind.

That is when I realized.
I am your Lover.
Me.
That is it.
And that,
Is the most important thing,
I want you to know me as.
There are a million other people who can do a million other things for you.

But, I am-
Your Lover.

Not your Dietitian.
Not your Spiritual Leader.
Not your Physician.
Not your Teacher.
Not your Answer.
Not your Calendar.
Not your Therapist.
Not your Expert.
Not your Savior.
Of course, if you need that from me, and I have it to give-
it's yours.

But if it fights for the top.
It has to go.

Lovers love.
And I have the privilege
To be yours.

**********************************************************

I am having had a similar epiphany as my role as a mother.

One of my son's learned how to ride a bike.
And graduated from preschool.
All in one week.

And he is off. With a new freedom, and a new independence.
Uncharted mothering territory for me.

As mothers, we naturally incur many roles for our kids.

We are their Dietitians.
We are their Sleep Authority. (Who knew this doesn't come natural?)
We are their Teachers.
We are their Calendar.
We are their Answer.
We are their Physician.
We are their Therapist.
We are their and Spiritual Leader.
We are their Educational Instructor.
We are their Expert.
We may even try to be their Savior.

At least for a little while, and to some degree.
It naturally happens like that.
Whether we want all these roles, or are ready, they are ours.
It is great, validating, and scary.
So I spend a lot of time learning "how to be a mom."
Or in other words, (according to above roles), "how to be their_______."

Their future, healthy independence depends on it.
I've thought.

But I have a conflict.
Sometimes my efforts come at a price.
The price of loosing love.

And now,
Just as before-
I realize.

I am Your Mother.
Me.
That's it.
And that is the most important thing
I want you to know me as.
More than your Dietitian.
More than your Sleep Authority.
More than your Teacher.
More than your Calendar.
More than your Spiritual Leader
More than your Therapist.
More than your Educational Instructor.
More than your Expert.

There are plentry of people who can give you plenty of other things.

But I am-
Your Mother.
All my sacrifice, work,
and thought,
I give
Will be for naught,
If it is at the cost of my Love.

So I have determined.
Everything to do is,
Inescapable, real, and great-
But,
The greatest thing, I wish to be to my boys.
Is
Love.

So much harder to do then say, write,
or wrap in a bow.
But the greatest desire of my heart.

A Mothers Love.